“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be”
This writing prompt was hands down the toughest one to write. When you experience the death of a child, and a pregnancy loss, there is so much guilt. As a mother, we are the ones who are supposed to keep our child safe.
There is also a great deal of pain associated with feeling unworthy. When I read the prompt for Day 30, I immediately refused to post. Am I DESERVING enough to be Ellis’ mother? I failed him. I wasn’t deserving enough to keep him, so how am I deserving enough to be his mom? How in the world am I supposed to write about that?
In thinking more about the writing prompt, I began to process my love for him and what that means in terms of motherhood.
Maybe I am deserving…
5. I am the one who knew you best.
I carried you for 38 weeks and 5 days. I knew your movements. I felt all of your kicks, hiccups, somersaults, etc. I fed you. I nourished you. The connection you and I shared will never change.
4. You chose me
You chose me as your mother, Ellis. That speaks volumes.
3. God chose me to be your mother, and you to be my son
I know I did not deserve to lose you. That wasn’t God’s doing… even though in my darkest days, it feels that way.
I do believe that God chose me to be your mother, and he chose you to be my son. He knew the bond you and I would share long before I found out I was pregnant with you. No matter how much anger I feel towards him some days, I have thanked him for giving you to me. You’re not here in the way I wish you would be, but I am so thankful you are my son.
Psalm 139:13 – For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
2. I am your voice
“A mother instinctively protects her child. A grieving mother instinctively protects her child’s memory.”
This quote rings so true. The only thing I can do is protect your memory. I can be your voice and share your story. No matter how much time passes, I will never forget you and our short time together. It is my job to make sure that I keep your memory alive, and believe me, I have every intention of doing just that.
I LOVE YOU
Love is the most important thing in this world. Family is love. Loving your dad, loving your brothers, and loving you are the most important things to me. Love is love, even in death. If anything, love is magnified by death, because it involves loving those on earth and in heaven. That task is very difficult to do. I am trying my best, Ellis. Loving after death makes a person realize the gravity of their loss. It makes them realize the weight of their grief, because their grief is all of the love they cannot give. Love encompasses all. You have taught me a new way to love, and for that, I am grateful. I just hope you know how much I love you. I hope you can feel all of my love, all the way to heaven ❤