The Unimaginable Change

Today has been hard…. extremely painful…. I have spent the eve of Ellis’ 17th month anniversary crying uncontrollably multiple times and wanting nothing more in this world than having my baby back.

We bought our boys a bunk bed… it just happens to be three levels. It’s no coincidence. People may think I’m crazy for advocating for that three tiered bunk bed, but in my mind, it’s what we would have bought had Ellis lived. Any future decisions of mine have been altered based off of “what should have been” and I cannot fathom steering from that direction anytime soon, if at all.

Three beds for my three boys

That’s how it should have been…Β I spent the entire day combining Easton and Esley’s clothes into the same closet and dresser… sifting through Easton’s old clothes that Esley will now fit in, and putting Esley’s clothes away that Ellis should be wearing 😦

It’s been a tough day

Ellis is celebrating his 17 months in Heaven tomorrow, and I want nothing more than to be there celebrating with him. I wish I were washing the clothes Ellis would be wearing, instead of putting them in a tote for “later’… when we make the decision if we want to have another baby or not. I wish all our decisions didn’t revolve around death… but they do.

This entire month of October so far, all 6 days of it, have been excruciatingly painful. Most of my nights have been spent awake a majority of the night, just reminiscing about how soft Ellis’ skin was, and how beautiful his nose, ears, and lips were. My memory of Ellis is painstakingly vivid and gut-wrenching all at the same time.

I put together a video today of Ellis’ short life and the memories we have made since he has died. I have been asked to speak at a parent panel for new nurses at the hospital I delivered at. I was told that most parents put together a video or power point of some sort to honor their child, so I felt compelled to do the same. After the parent panel is over, I hope to share the video I made. It was difficult to make because all of my emotions were extremely raw. There are also pictures in there that may be hard for others to see, but I felt it was necessary for new nurses to observe. These nurses will be taking care of families who have lost their child, and in my eyes, there is no greater task. The nurses need to be as prepared as possible to give the family all of the resources they need and be there for them through their most traumatic experience in their lives, cue my raw and honest video.

To anyone who is reading this… please know that it is not just the month of October that is difficult for grieving parents who have lost a child/children.

Every single day… minute… is painful

The month of October allows us “loss parents” to talk freely about our children, but it isn’t just an activity during this remembrance month for us.. it’s every single day. We are just trying to find an acceptable way to talk about our child that is no longer with us.

If you know someone who has lost… a child, spouse, sibling, grandparent, etc….. it changes you in the most unimaginable way possible…

We are just trying to survive each day, however we can.
We miss our loved one every single second.
Sometimes we want to just feel “normal” again, so we laugh.
Other times we can’t deter from our new “norm” of crying and feeling sad all the time… so we cry.
Meet us where we are at.
Just listen to us.
Just love us.

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