Dear Ellis

I cried myself to sleep last night… missing you. Knowing that you would be 16 months today… September 7, 2018. What would your personality be like? Would you be walking? Would you be saying “mama” and “dada”? Would your hair have turned blonde already? How many teeth would you have? Would you be as chubby as your brothers? What size clothes would I be buying you? What would your favorite foods be? Would you have my button nose? What color would your eyes be?

This morning you were the first thing I thought of. You always are. I can’t believe I gave life to such a beautiful little boy. I can’t believe it was you who I carried for so long. Another boy… my beautiful boy. I can’t believe I was blessed a 3rd seamless pregnancy, a 3rd boy, and then had to say goodbye.
I was scared to see you and hold you. I wasn’t sure how I would react. You came and I looked at you, and you were more beautiful than I’d ever imagined. Everything about you was adorable, your little hands and nails, your little toes, your button nose.
You were absolutely perfect. Just like an Angel. Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe I held a real Angel in my arms. 

I wish I could have seen your beautiful eyes and hear your beautiful cry. I wish I could go back and cherish your kicks more. I wish I would have taken more pictures and videos of you kicking and moving around. I wish so many things…

Your void is so incredibly deep, but not visible on the surface. How can that be? How do I not have a huge physical hole when there is such a hole in my heart that longs for you, and misses you every second of every day?

I am so sorry I couldn’t save you. I am so sorry I can’t go back and make things right. I should have known that your heart was slowing down. I should have known that you were dying inside me. Why didn’t I know? I am the one who knew you the best… and I didn’t know. Why didn’t I pay more attention? The guilt is so heavy. Your loss consumes me day in and day out.

The best I can do now is to keep your memory alive and continue to tell your story. My best will never be good enough, because you aren’t physically here. I am so sorry.
I will make sure your brothers grow up knowing you and talking about you. I will make sure we celebrate you, and I will make sure we mourn your loss. I will make sure we honor you. I will continue to talk about pregnancy and child loss. I will continue to talk about stillbirth, no matter how uncomfortable it is for others. I will continue to bring up your name. I will continue to keep paying it forward, in your memory. Because, after all, I could never ever forget your existence, no matter how fleeting.

I believe that you will continue to change the world you so quickly had to leave because…
Ellis = LOVE

I miss you… Every second.

You are thought about… All the time.

 

Happy 16th months in Heaven, sweet boy. 

childsizedheart

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